Monday, April 27, 2015

My hatred for Apple knows no bounds

Several months ago, a video went viral of a woman having a meltdown in an Apple Store. Condemnation of the woman's entitlement was swift and vehement. This was my initial reaction, as well. A privileged white woman who, god forbid, has to wait her turn to be helped with her broken iPhone. Let's watch the video again:



Since I have been dealing with a MacBook that seemingly cannot be fixed, I have more sympathy with this woman. I have had two Apple laptops, and all they do is cause me problems. They make me livid. I pride myself on my calm demeanor, but when this stuff doesn't work, I lose my mind.

Here's the story: I was raised on Apple computers. Every single desktop and laptop computer I have personally owned has been some sort of Mac, going all the way back to those lego-like Centris computers in the 90's. However, I may just be emerging out of some sort of consumerist Stockholm Syndrome, and I am willing and able to throw off the shackles of my psychological imprisonment.

Apple products are, undeniably, beautifully designed specimens of technological expertise. But are they great computing devices. The next time you run into a computing engineer, coder, or hacker, ask her (it will most likely be a him, but there are many women engineers and hackers out there) what kind of computer she has. She will most likely respond with some sort of very specific PC, with specifications I cannot even begin to imagine. Why do we consumers, most of whom understand nothing about code, logic boards, or even computing, spend countless sums of money on Apple products? I term this problem the "Louis Vuitton fallacy." We tend to think that because something is pretty and expensive, it must be inherently more valuable. certainly Louis Vuitton luggage is pretty, and it sure is expensive, but it is probably less functional than Samsonite luggage, and an LV purse does no better functional job than a leather bag from an Italian handmade store, which would be a fraction of the price of that LV purse. This same fallacy applies to Apple products: because Apple has this impressive and persuasive marketing campaign, and they look so pretty and cost so much, they must be the best out there.

I was a victim of this fallacy for years. I thought no PC could ever come near an Apple product in its abilities to get work done. But like a cog in the great capitalist machine, I was hoodwinked by marketing and design.

The damn things don't work.

Maybe, it's just me. I have begun to refer to myself as the "Bermuda Triangle of Apple Products." I must have some sort of electrical charge running through my fingers that just causes these things to die. My last laptop went through a couple hard drives while it was still under warranty. This new one, only a year old, had its hard drive replaced just months ago in January, and, while installing a software update last night, it crashed terribly yet again. I have been unable to reboot it.

What do I do on my computers that causes them so much distress? Do I make movies, music, do I hack into the Pentagon? Of course not. I surf the web and write blog posts like this. I tend to keep myself from even doing actual work on this thing, because who knows if it will crash in the middle of me working on a spreadsheet or compiling a powerpoint.
 
I thus use my laptop for two applications: Word and Safari. And it still don’t work.
 
So this begs a question: Why does a $1500 computer (make that $1700 when you add in the NECESSARY Apple Care and other sundry devices) not function when asked to operate two of our most basic computing needs of humanity in the form of word processing and internet surfing.
 
Because these things are useless, that's why. On top of that, have you tried to get a product, still under warranty, fixed by these Apple people? I love that they require input of a serial number to even schedule an appointment to speak to someone. I find humor in this because my laptop will no longer boot up, so I have no way to ascertain what my serial number may be. When I did mention this to one of the purported geniuses of Apple they told me the serial number was on the box it came in. Oh, I see, I am supposed to be a hoarder and keep the box. Well, thanks, “genius.”
 
In January, my computer froze and refused to boot up. I went through an entire day (a Saturday, I might add) trying to get this thing to work and trying to contact someone to get it scheduled for a repair. I have been through this enough to know when a hard drive is fried.  Now, of course, my most recent laptop is somehow not registered with my Apple ID. Why? I don’t know. The old laptop, which died a similar tragic death is the only registered to this Apple ID. Thus, after I go through this rigamarole of logging into the Apple ID system, which always goes wrong and requires me resetting my password again, it tells me my computer is no longer under warranty. In order to speak to a human being, I would have to fork over $29.99.
 
Let me get this straight: I am already apoplectic with rage because I cannot turn on my computer, so I am using my iPhone to troubleshoot, and you have the nerve to tell me that my eight-month-old machine is not under warranty? Yes, that does not help in the anger management department. This is why I now have sympathy for that woman screaming in the Apple Store. It is a frustrating, humiliating, dehumanizing experience to simply get your damn device fixed, even when you have the goddamn extended warranty.
 
There are days when I want to take a hammer to it and every Apple product, and I would receive that one touch of satisfaction of just destroying the shit out of it. If I were to do this, I would quote the Bhagavad-Gita while pounding away: "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." I would feel empowered for once over these beastly technological devices.
 
I was on the phone with Apple techs who could do nothing, so I asked them to schedule a genius bar appointment for me. A seemingly simple question, but no. At first, the tech balked at that, but have you tried to book a genius bar appointment on your phone? It's a pain in the ass. Of course, I could find no appointment for the next couple of days at any Apple store near me, so traveled far and away to drop it off. At every step in the road, you have to explain what you were doing when the thing died. I always get this sense that they are fishing for illicit details of hacking or figuring what copious amounts of kinky porn I may have been watching when it crashed. Well, in fact, I was watching Downton Abbey on Netflix when this thing imploded. When I think kinky porn, Downton Abbey is at the top of my list.
 
An amusing anecdote: on the last computer crash back in January, one of these so-called geniuses came over to look at my computer. He, like so many of his colleagues, had that endearing condescension to his manner and speech. There is a quality to these hipsters that seems to say, “oh, mortal, what have you done now?” Well, when he ran a diagnostic test on the dumb, piece of crap it flashed a bright red banner that said “FAILED.” The only response he could muster was: “I haven’t seen that before.” These people, dear mortals, are referred to by a multi-national corporation as geniuses.
 
Now, just a handful of months later, I was installing a new software update. When it was completed, my computer could not reboot. Once again, I find myself with a computer that doesn’t turn on. I am struggling to get someone to talk to me on the phone, but because my correct serial number is not registered, who knows if that will happen?
 
This brings me to my liberating conclusion: Apple products are junk. I have been hoodwinked, tricked and fooled to fork over massive amounts of money for these devices that don’t actually do anything. So, I am now willing and able to cast off this yoke, throw this POS into the garbage, head to Best Buy and buy a Dell. The Dell may not work great either, but, hey it was a fraction of the cost, so who cares?
 
Then again, Tim cook may show up with some new touch-screen, retina display module that cooks soup while it bathes you, and I will go and buy version 2.0 pf that thing and in a year be all pissed off all over again.
 
Capitalism has sucked me into its never-ending cycle of planned obsolescence.
 
Thanks, Tim Cook.
 
Or should I blame Obama?
 
Thanks, Obama.