Monday, April 27, 2015

My hatred for Apple knows no bounds

Several months ago, a video went viral of a woman having a meltdown in an Apple Store. Condemnation of the woman's entitlement was swift and vehement. This was my initial reaction, as well. A privileged white woman who, god forbid, has to wait her turn to be helped with her broken iPhone. Let's watch the video again:

Since I have been dealing with a MacBook that seemingly cannot be fixed, I have more sympathy with this woman. I have had two Apple laptops, and all they do is cause me problems. They make me livid. I pride myself on my calm demeanor, but when this stuff doesn't work, I lose my mind.

Here's the story: I was raised on Apple computers. Every single desktop and laptop computer I have personally owned has been some sort of Mac, going all the way back to those lego-like Centris computers in the 90's. However, I may just be emerging out of some sort of consumerist Stockholm Syndrome, and I am willing and able to throw off the shackles of my psychological imprisonment.

Apple products are, undeniably, beautifully designed specimens of technological expertise. But are they great computing devices. The next time you run into a computing engineer, coder, or hacker, ask her (it will most likely be a him, but there are many women engineers and hackers out there) what kind of computer she has. She will most likely respond with some sort of very specific PC, with specifications I cannot even begin to imagine. Why do we consumers, most of whom understand nothing about code, logic boards, or even computing, spend countless sums of money on Apple products? I term this problem the "Louis Vuitton fallacy." We tend to think that because something is pretty and expensive, it must be inherently more valuable. certainly Louis Vuitton luggage is pretty, and it sure is expensive, but it is probably less functional than Samsonite luggage, and an LV purse does no better functional job than a leather bag from an Italian handmade store, which would be a fraction of the price of that LV purse. This same fallacy applies to Apple products: because Apple has this impressive and persuasive marketing campaign, and they look so pretty and cost so much, they must be the best out there.

I was a victim of this fallacy for years. I thought no PC could ever come near an Apple product in its abilities to get work done. But like a cog in the great capitalist machine, I was hoodwinked by marketing and design.

The damn things don't work.

Maybe, it's just me. I have begun to refer to myself as the "Bermuda Triangle of Apple Products." I must have some sort of electrical charge running through my fingers that just causes these things to die. My last laptop went through a couple hard drives while it was still under warranty. This new one, only a year old, had its hard drive replaced just months ago in January, and, while installing a software update last night, it crashed terribly yet again. I have been unable to reboot it.

What do I do on my computers that causes them so much distress? Do I make movies, music, do I hack into the Pentagon? Of course not. I surf the web and write blog posts like this. I tend to keep myself from even doing actual work on this thing, because who knows if it will crash in the middle of me working on a spreadsheet or compiling a powerpoint.
I thus use my laptop for two applications: Word and Safari. And it still don’t work.
So this begs a question: Why does a $1500 computer (make that $1700 when you add in the NECESSARY Apple Care and other sundry devices) not function when asked to operate two of our most basic computing needs of humanity in the form of word processing and internet surfing.
Because these things are useless, that's why. On top of that, have you tried to get a product, still under warranty, fixed by these Apple people? I love that they require input of a serial number to even schedule an appointment to speak to someone. I find humor in this because my laptop will no longer boot up, so I have no way to ascertain what my serial number may be. When I did mention this to one of the purported geniuses of Apple they told me the serial number was on the box it came in. Oh, I see, I am supposed to be a hoarder and keep the box. Well, thanks, “genius.”
In January, my computer froze and refused to boot up. I went through an entire day (a Saturday, I might add) trying to get this thing to work and trying to contact someone to get it scheduled for a repair. I have been through this enough to know when a hard drive is fried.  Now, of course, my most recent laptop is somehow not registered with my Apple ID. Why? I don’t know. The old laptop, which died a similar tragic death is the only registered to this Apple ID. Thus, after I go through this rigamarole of logging into the Apple ID system, which always goes wrong and requires me resetting my password again, it tells me my computer is no longer under warranty. In order to speak to a human being, I would have to fork over $29.99.
Let me get this straight: I am already apoplectic with rage because I cannot turn on my computer, so I am using my iPhone to troubleshoot, and you have the nerve to tell me that my eight-month-old machine is not under warranty? Yes, that does not help in the anger management department. This is why I now have sympathy for that woman screaming in the Apple Store. It is a frustrating, humiliating, dehumanizing experience to simply get your damn device fixed, even when you have the goddamn extended warranty.
There are days when I want to take a hammer to it and every Apple product, and I would receive that one touch of satisfaction of just destroying the shit out of it. If I were to do this, I would quote the Bhagavad-Gita while pounding away: "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." I would feel empowered for once over these beastly technological devices.
I was on the phone with Apple techs who could do nothing, so I asked them to schedule a genius bar appointment for me. A seemingly simple question, but no. At first, the tech balked at that, but have you tried to book a genius bar appointment on your phone? It's a pain in the ass. Of course, I could find no appointment for the next couple of days at any Apple store near me, so traveled far and away to drop it off. At every step in the road, you have to explain what you were doing when the thing died. I always get this sense that they are fishing for illicit details of hacking or figuring what copious amounts of kinky porn I may have been watching when it crashed. Well, in fact, I was watching Downton Abbey on Netflix when this thing imploded. When I think kinky porn, Downton Abbey is at the top of my list.
An amusing anecdote: on the last computer crash back in January, one of these so-called geniuses came over to look at my computer. He, like so many of his colleagues, had that endearing condescension to his manner and speech. There is a quality to these hipsters that seems to say, “oh, mortal, what have you done now?” Well, when he ran a diagnostic test on the dumb, piece of crap it flashed a bright red banner that said “FAILED.” The only response he could muster was: “I haven’t seen that before.” These people, dear mortals, are referred to by a multi-national corporation as geniuses.
Now, just a handful of months later, I was installing a new software update. When it was completed, my computer could not reboot. Once again, I find myself with a computer that doesn’t turn on. I am struggling to get someone to talk to me on the phone, but because my correct serial number is not registered, who knows if that will happen?
This brings me to my liberating conclusion: Apple products are junk. I have been hoodwinked, tricked and fooled to fork over massive amounts of money for these devices that don’t actually do anything. So, I am now willing and able to cast off this yoke, throw this POS into the garbage, head to Best Buy and buy a Dell. The Dell may not work great either, but, hey it was a fraction of the cost, so who cares?
Then again, Tim cook may show up with some new touch-screen, retina display module that cooks soup while it bathes you, and I will go and buy version 2.0 pf that thing and in a year be all pissed off all over again.
Capitalism has sucked me into its never-ending cycle of planned obsolescence.
Thanks, Tim Cook.
Or should I blame Obama?
Thanks, Obama.  

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Oscar Predictions -- 2015 Edition

As the Hollywood elite are in the midst of primping and cleansing for tomorrow's big event, I shall run down the categories and over assorted prognostications. Unlike the past several years, where the top categories seemed fairly predictable (save for Best Director in 2012, when Ang Lee surprisingly won), there are several categories this year that seem like toss-ups between two favored films. Then, there are a handful of categories where there is no question who will win. Thus, we could have a night with several surprises, or afterwards we will all shake our heads and say, "well, I saw that one coming."

Best Picture: Birdman 

Boyhood was clearly the front runner in this category just a month ago. It had won a slew of critics' awards and also the Golden Globe. At the Globes, Birdman's solitary prize was for screenplay. Then, surprisingly, the guilds awards all went for Birman. The PGA, DGA, and SAG all honored the hectically paced backstage drama about a washed-up action star. Although Boyhood could still eke out a win here, it seems as if Birdman has momentum behind it. But there is another wrinkle to this: with the preferential ballot system for Best Picture, I wonder if these two could divide the vote in such a way that The Grand Budapest Hotel or Imitation Game wins the big prize. I assume that American Sniper has no chance here, but I thought the same for Crash in 2005, so I could be wrong yet again.

Best Director: Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Although González Iñárritu is nipping at Linklater's heels for this prize, I do believe that Linklater's scope and tenacity in bringing this production to fruition will ultimately win.

Best Actress: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

There is no doubt in anyone's mind that Julianne Moore will easily triumph in this category. This is her fifth nomination and she is well respected in Hollywood. My only twinge of sadness about this stems from the fact that Moore will not win the award for some of her truly seminal work in films such as The Hours, The End of the Affair, Far from Heaven, Magnolia and Boogie Nights. Moore is fantastic as a Columbia linguistics professor facing the diagnosis and encroaching symptoms of early-onset Alzheimer's, but the film is marred by a terribly pouty performance from Kristen Stewart as her whining daughter who longs to be taken seriously as an actress. I wish this win was for Far from Heaven 2: Loving the Gardener, again. 

Best Actor: Michael Keaton, Birdman

Eddie Redmayne is clearly the leading contender for this prize, having already won the Globe, SAG, and BAFTA for Best Actor. I am personally biased against Redmayne (I just don't like him), but I am resistant to giving the award to such an Oscar-baiting performance. it just all seems so obvious: he is playing a real-life crippled, tortured and unlucky-in-love brilliant scientist. Can't we give it to something that isn't so obvious. The layers of Keaton's performance and the numerous gestures towards his own life, creates this complex performance of signs (signifiers and the signified) and even the notion that Keaton himself is the far-off referent in all of this.

Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Whiplash wowed the crowds at Sundance last January and, in a very limited release, created some serious word of mouth. Ultimately, it shocked everyone for some big nominations at the BAFTAs and Oscars, including Best Picture. The film narrates a struggle between teacher and student that is anchored by two great performances from Miles Teller and Simmons. Simmons, being the longtime character actor, familiar from Law & Order, Juno, and those Farmers Insurance commercials, will get some respect from his peers tomorrow night, for a performance everyone believes deserves it.

Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

I have been flummoxed by some of the critical reaction to Arquette's performance. Most critics have noted how "brave" she was to allow herself to expand (in terms of her weight, not her craft), age and wrinkle before our eyes in this film. That misses the point that Arquette has created a performance that fights against the very androcentric gaze of this film--it's called boyhood, for god's sake. Arquette's mother fights for recognition, love, and respect, as she makes mistakes, fails, and, in the end, triumphs. Although I have a bit of a desire to see Keira Knightley win here, I am fully on board with the Arquette bandwagon.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Damien Chazelle, Whiplash

This may be Imitation Game's only chance for a big prize--or any prize, in fact--but the bizarre story around Chazelle's screenplay may have garnered it enough attention to win the Oscar. Channel films a piece of his screenplay in order to raise financing for the production, but because of this brief filmed piece that was used to shop the screenplay around the writers' branch deemed the screenplay adapted, even though the screenplay was written first! A similar situation occurred to Billy bob Thornton with his Sling Blade script.

Best Original Screenplay: Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

Two months ago, I was convinced that Birdman would only win one big prize and it would be in this category. Now, that seems not to be the case, and I think Anderson's well-liked and successful trifle that depicts love, baking, hoteliers, among the rise of totalitarianism to win his first Oscar.

Best Animated Feature: How to Train Your Dragon 2

Since Lego Movie is not nominated and the Dragon sequel won the Globe and BAFTA, I assume it will win here, too. The first film was inventive and charming; I found myself lost in the sequel (though I enjoyed the addition of Cate Blanchett), but since Big Hero 6 has no momentum, this has to win.

Best Documentary Feature: Citizenfour

Laura Poitras' look at Edward Snowden will premiere on HBO on Monday night, so I have yet to see it. The film has rave reviews and seems to offer the fullest portrait of our NSA leaker, since Glenn Greenwald's work.

Best Foreign Language Film: Ida 

Leviathan, a Russian film about small-town corruption, may win here, but I want this beautiful Polish film about a young novitiate search for answers to what happened to her family during the Holocaust (spoiler alert: they died) is one of the most breathtakingly gorgeous films of the year.

Best Song: "Glory" from Selma

Wouldn't it be nice for a truly good hip-hop song win in this category that doesn't have pimp in the title, or isn't written by a white dude? I think it would be. It would also give Selma a chance to shine, after being willfully ignored by the Academy in every other category, save Picture.

Best Score: Alexandre Desplat, The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Icelandic composer, Johann Johannsonn, created a lush string-filled score for Theory of Everything, and that may win here, but Desplat's careful work that has garnered him eight nominations (with zero wins, and two nominations this year), I think should finally compel the Academy to award him this year.

Best Costume Design, Make-up/Hair and Production Design: The Grand Budapest Hotel

The costumes and sets for Anderson's delightful romp will do a repeat of Great Gatsby and win these prizes handily. What was done to Tilda Swinton will win the award for Makeup.

Best Cinematography: Birdman

This may be the most difficult category for me to call. It is filled with nominees who are all serving. Roger Deakins, who has made a career of working with the Coen Brothers, has yet to win. Mr. Turner  and Ida are two gorgeous films; Grand Budapest continues Anderson's aesthetic project of juxtaposition of numerous shooting styles to create a vibrant tableau. I assume because of the technical mastery required to film the precisely choreographed scenes of Birdman will bring Emmanuel Lubezki his second consecutive Oscar, after winning for Gravity last year.

Best Editing: Whiplash 

This prediction may seem to be out of left field, especially since Birdman and Boyhood seem to be the two obvious choices here. Boyhood had 12 years of footage to sift through. Birdman had to be edited so carefully that it appeared there was no editing. However, Whiplash's musical sequences are so wonderfully filmed and carefully edited that I, like the BAFTAs, want this film to be awarded here.

Best Sound Mixing: Whiplash

To ensure that the drumming was heard loud and clear, and didn't simply fade into the background required quite a bit of technical mastery. If I am correct, Whiplash may be one of the biggest surprise winners of the evening with four awards.

Best Sound Editing: American Sniper

I am willing to give the Eastwood jingoistic flick this award, and that is all.

Best Visual Effects: Interstellar

Nolan's latest sci-fi epic faltered a bit at the box office, and there was some serious criticism leveled at the film about its gender and racial politics, but the powerful worlds created by Nolan's team were imaginative and impressive (even if the sound mixing in the movie was terrible).

Best Animated Short: Feast 

Feast was the Disney short ahead of Big Hero 6. It is about a dog's love of food, so why not?

Best Documentary Short: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1

HBO's documentary about working on a suicide helpline for Veterans is harrowing and powerful, and calls for much-needed resources to be sent towards the mental health of returning combatants from our decades-long wars.

Best Live Action Short: The Phone Call

Another film about suicide hotlines, but this time with Sally Hawkins and Jim Broadbent. It is rare to see major star power in a short like this, and it could garner some attention from Academy voters due to that. The other contender in this category appears to be Butter Lamp which is a loosely confederated set of images of Tibetan nomads.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Best Films of 2014


1. "Selma" -- On Thursday morning, we awoke to the shocking news that "Selma" was nominated in only two categories and its director, Ava Duvernay, and its stars, David Oyelowo and Carmen Ejogo, were locke out of nominations. The only other nomination it received was for its song, penned by Common and John Legend. The last time a film was nominated for Best Picture and was not nominated in a large top-five category, such as for acting, directing, or writing, that I have determined is 1944 when "The Ox-Bow Incident" was nominated solely for Best Picture. There seemed to be issues with distributing screeners, and there may be "racial fatigue" among Academy voters since they awarded "12 Years a Slave" last year; however, this does seem to represent a serious travesty, since no film this year has aligned so well with the political discourse of our moment. As protests have swept the country over events in Ferguson, Missouri and New York City, it seems appropriate for a major film to be made that addresses the hard-won fight to enfranchise African Americans in this country and demonstrates that work is still not complete. Some have criticized the film for historical inaccuracies, but, in fact, the film has done a rather refreshing job of portraying the competing factions of the civil rights movement. On the question of LBJ, I am rather convinced that in January of 1965, Johnson did not want to engage in another civil rights bill, when he had passed a large bill that previous summer. Regardless of these criticisms, "Selma" succeeds on a powerful script and impressive performances. This is a film that benefits from a communal viewing in a theater.

2. "A Most Violent Year"--In just a handful of years, J.C. Chandor has created three well-reviewed films, "Margin Call," "All is Lost," and now, "A Most Violent Year." None of these has succeeded quite at the hoped for level at the box office, but Chandor is now poised to become a major force in Hollywood. Chandor's strength lies in his commitment to create films that have crisp and clear stories with complicated characters who are somehow still sympathetic. In "A Most Violent Year," Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain run an oil-distribution business, and have run into a rather delicate financial situation. Refreshingly, this married couple has its passive-aggressive moments, but they are portrayed as a partnership and, lo and behold, they do not appear to be unfaithful. Unlike our current fetishization of dark characters making poor choices, Chandor's flick revolves around a sympathetic character who is trying to make the right decisions.

3. "Grand Budapest Hotel"--If people are convinced that Wes Anderson cannot make a commercially successful film, you can point those individuals to this film that took in almost $60 million at the domestic box office. Many pundits, including me, were convinced that by releasing this film in March, it would lose all hope of securing a single nomination. Fortunately, it remained on critics' top-ten lists and in the minds of audiences and garnered nine nominations, including Wes Anderson's first as Best Director. This light romp actually confronts serious issues of warfare, totalitarianism, and terror, while focusing on a set of eccentric characters. Yet again, Ralph Fiennes, who has made himself into one of the most dependable character actors of the last two decades, was overlooked yet again for an Oscar nomination. That may be as big a snub as failing to nominate Oyelowo.

4. "Whiplash"-- Damien Chazelle's directorial debut was a tight, rollicking film about a drummer in a music conservatory facing an enemy in the guise of a teacher. With a standout performance from Juno's dad (J.K. Simmons), "Whiplash" succeeds as a morality tale of how much of ourselves we lose by attempting to achieve perfection. The film is worth watching for the superb editing and camerawork in its series of filmed musical performances.

5. "Ida"--It is hard to recommend a bleak Polish Holocaust movie. The film follows a young nun, as she attempts to uncover what happened to her parents in the war (spoiler alert: it was the Holocaust; they died horrifically). Powerful performances coupled with the superb Oscar-nominated cinematography takes this bleak tale and transforms it into a transcendent film about how the past continues to haunt succeeding generations.

6. "Birdman, or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance"-- Iñàrittu's film about a man who sounds a lot like Michael Keaton attempting to make a comeback, starring Michael Keaton, has become one of the most successful films from Hollywood about actors. The long takes, coupled with precise and complicated dialogue and choreographed camerawork, set a fast pace for a piece that grapples with notions of failure, artistry and the search for validation.

7. "Imitation Game" -- Benedict Cumberbatch has secured his place as the go-to actor for intense, mildly autistic white man. In fact, much of this year has seen films where mildly autistic white men are celebrated for their very lack of social graces. White privilege certainly is powerful. But back to "Imitation Game": although its final monologue from Keira Knightley is beautifully filmed and performed, it is an anachronistic moment that marks exactly how we want to view the past and the history of sexuality. Keira can tell Benedict, with tears in her eyes, that damn the normal people, it is those who aren't normal that change the world for the rest of us. It is a beautiful sentiment, but no one in 1957 would have uttered such a speech. The film is marked by some wonderful performances and beautiful production values, but "Imitation Game" would have most likely have made more impact a decade ago when our consciousness had not been raised by films like "Brokeback Mountain," "Milk," or "A Single Man."

8. "Mr. Turner" -- Mike Leigh's films can sometimes feel inaccessible and a random string of inside jokes and improvised performances. Other times, he creates a work of art that is astonishing and beautiful. "Vera Drake" told the heartbreaking story of a woman who faces prison after she attends to a botched abortion in mid-twentieth-century Britain, and "Mr. Turner" tells a simpler tale of the British Romantic painter, J.M.W. Turner. Following the last 25 years of Turner's life, Leigh has constructed a film about art where Turner's vision and eye is at the forefront. With a standout performance from Timothy Spall, "Mr. Turner" allows its audience to experience the creation of an artist and his work.

9. "Boyhood"-- Linklater's work may be more interesting for the way it was filmed, rather than for its story. Although its directorial choices are clearly innovative, its story resembles the most staid family melodramas. By having his actors age over a dozen years, Linklater has provided the chance for Patricia Arquette to shine brighter than she has ever been allowed up to this time.

10. "Lego Movie"-- When I first heard that a movie was going to be made around legos, I was convinced this was the end of American civilization. How crass and cynical does it sound that a movie would be made about toys that are simply built? What would Marx say about this? He would be sickened. When I actually saw it, the film does a deft job of navigating around things Marx himself discussed, the fetishization of the commodity, and the concomitant loss of identity in an industrial society. In many ways, this is one of the more interesting Marxist films to gain such widespread viewings. And bosh to you if you claim there is no Marxism in this piece; I will ignore you and listen to "Everything is Awesome" one more time.

11. "Only Lovers Left Alive"--Jarmusch made a movie about vampires with Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton? Why yes, he did. It is delightful and John Hurt plays a pitch-perfect Kit Marlowe.

12. "Gloria"-- Sebastian Lelio's bittersweet story about a middle-aged woman navigating the terrain of being single in Santiago, Chile, is simultaneously harrowing and beautiful with an intrepid performance from Paulina Garcia.

13. "Pride"-- A charming, if sentimental, story of a group of homosexuals driving up to Wales to help striking coal miners in 1984, "Pride" tells a little-known story about the power of alliances and coalitions. It may ignore a set of racial politics and tensions between these groups, the film succeeds as a heartwarming tale that did result in the adoption of a gay-rights platform within the Labour Party.

14. "Belle"-- Gugu Mbatha-Raw made a splash this year in both "Belle" and "Beyond the Lights." Her subtle performance in what I have termed the sweet version of "12 Years" shaded a complex historical figure of whom very little is known. By recreating the trial of the infamous Zong ship, Belle  portrayed a moment of prime historical import while framing it with a romantic and sentimental love story.

15, 16, 17. "Cake,""Wild," "Still Alice"-- I place these together as the handful of films that decided it would be a good idea to focus on a female character. Have you noticed that all but Selma of the best actor nominations focus on a straight white man who has some personality quirks? All of them. And Selma still has a man at the forefront of his film. Two actresses often dismissed as light and frivolous, J. Anniston and Reese, surprised critics with a pair of finely crafted dramatic performances. Julianne Moore seems to have locked down her first Oscar, after four other nominations, in a film about a linguistics professor losing control over her mind as she slips into Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, the film is hurt by the terrible casting of Kristen Stewart as a pouty teenaged daughter who wants to be a serious actress. Watching Kristen Stewart try to deliver the final monologue from Chekhov's "The Cherry Orchard" was truly disturbing. Couldn't we have hired Emma Watson instead?

18. "Theory of Everything" -- Eddie Redmayne is in the Oscar bait performance of the year: crippled, brilliant real-life character. I usually loathe Redmayne, ever since "My Week with Marilyn" irked me with its self-indulgent quackery, but what makes this movie shine is Felicity Jones' beautiful performance as Hawking's wife who finds that she cannot find happiness in a marriage where she is solely the caregiver. John Nash's wife actually divorced him, too, but Ron Howard and Akiva Goldsman could not bear the thought of having Jennifer Connelly walk out on Russell Crowe. Fortunately, this film takes on a deeper shade of meaning by showing Jones' character struggling against the role she is supposed to accept graciously.

19. "Nightcrawler"-- I have said this time and again: losing or gaining a lot of weight does not constitute a great performance. I suppose Jake Gyllenhaal assumed he would not be taken seriously if he were too pretty. The movie does succeed as a tightly wound tale of intrigue within the world of journalism running to catch up with the morally ambiguous success of TMZ. I also enjoyed that two of the neighborhoods of LA that I know best were portrayed as crime-ridden hellholes, including a shootout at the Chinatown Express at 3rd and Western.

20. "Into the Woods" -- Someone should inform Rob Marshall that making a musical cinematic does not mean that every single song has to be shot in extreme close-up. The film loses a bit of steam in the second act, but Emily Blunt is surprisingly good as the Baker's Wife.

21. "Gone Girl" -- Fincher's revenge tale, penned by novelist Gillian Flynn, engages in some truly bizarre gender politics, but Rosamund Pike was finally able to secure herself a part that has made her into the star that she deserves to be.